Merry, uh, December 27th!!!

I've been inspired by (re: I totally ripped off) New Homeowner and decided to post some Christmas pics, especially of the tree. Like 5 days too late, but whatever. To know my lazy ass, is to love my lazy ass. I think. Anyhoo...

The one foot tree. The only tree the Cats without Shame have managed not to eat. Speaking of...

Featuring one cracked out kitty, high on the 'nip!

Some people will do anything for a taste of the 'nip!

Oh, and the festive nails.

And Jen and yours truly's festive toes:

Incidentally, you can still see my stupid sandal tan. It's December. How embarrassing.

And this crazy Santa who must have taken a wrong left turn somewhere... He's definitely not in Albuquerque. And he's not in the North Pole. Though, frankly, it may feel like it so if he's had one too many (I saw you, Blitzen!), he may be slightly confused...

I don't think milk and cookies are gonna help him now. What he needs is a shot of tequila! And for some reason, it looks like there's a stick up his butt. How cheery! A disgruntled elf, perhaps?

So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from citrusboy, Winnipeg Damsel, and my uszka!

a la Clara

Yup, I think this about covers it. Though how can I be a Ghost AND Pacman...? Oh yeah, and I wanna be Inky.

I am a Pacman Ghost. I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be. What Video Game Character Are You?

If you were not a Pacman Ghost you would be Pacman.

I am Pacman. I am an aggressive sort of personality, out to get what I can, when I can. I prefer to avoid confrontation, but sometimes when it's called for, I can be a powerful character. I tend to be afflicted with munchies constantly.

I Just Can't Take It Anymore!

Dear Winnipeg:

Hay is for horses.
I believe the correct term you are looking for is "eh".

Thank you,
A Concerned Citizen

Uhh....

So I bought some stuff for New Homeowner from Amazon and, according to their website, this is when her goodies should arrive:

These items will arrive after Dec 25 2006.
Items shipped on Dec 8 2006:
Delivery estimate: Dec 12 2006 - Dec 29 2006

This means that
a) items that were shipped on the 8th won't get there until after Christmas, so it could conceivably take them (being generous here) 20 days to deliver a package to NH who is practically down the street from them BUT
b) there is also a span of SEVENTEEN days during which the items could arrive at any time! In that time the stuff could grow legs, get up, walk out of the plant, walk across the street, and hop into NH's mailbox! I bet that would only take, like, 5 days, tops.

Then, FIVE days later, I ordered more stuff:

Items shipped on Dec 13 2006:
Delivery estimate: Dec 19 2006 - Dec 21 2006

I don't get it, I just don't get it! And I'm in a different, further away province too! Maybe books have to be persuaded to leave the factory, while DVDs just want to get the hell out of there!

Oh, and NH got her stuff two days ago. I guess the books were feeling cooperative that day...

I've just come to the realization that I'm a game board whore. Seriously.

If the game is on sale I will probably buy it.
I stalk the aisles of all stores looking for board games.
If I see a game on sale in a store flyer, I will probably go out the next day to buy it.

Mind you, these games have to be ones I want; not just any random game will do.

The game that started this mess of thought was Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture. See, I was at Zellers and saw that it was 40% off so I had to have it. Except, when I scanned the bar code, it was regular price. Turns out that was last week's sale and I MISSED IT. Bleh. How? How could this have happened? With all my diligent scouring! So I didn't buy it. And now, I REALLY REALLY want it.

I've lost all self-control. I'm a board game buying addict. I have a problem. I need BGBA. Is there such a thing? Well, there should be!

So far I've accumulated:

Scrabble:
*regular
*travel

Monopoly:
*regular
*Disney
*Powerpuff Girls

Trivial Pursuit: I loooooooooooooooooove TP. Hee.
*Totally 80s
*90s Edition
*Genus 5
*Volume 6
*Baby Boomers
*Millennium Edition

Clue: I love love love Clue. Except no one will ever play with me. I wonder why that is?
*Simpson's

The All Canadian Trivia Board Game Millennium Edition: got this for $1. It's hard. It's very hard. All I know is the Red River (which is the answer to about a quarter of the questions). And only because I now reside in the 'Peg.

Cheap-Ass Games: These are awesome fun. And cheap.
*Before I Kill You, Mr Bond
*Unexploded Cow
*Kill Dr Lucky

Mahjongg: And I'm not talking about the cheesy solitaire game either. I love this game. I know, I've said that like 900 times already, but I do. I love this game.

Uno: Not technically a board game, but I'll include it anyway to help exacerbate my insanity.
*Elvis
*Care Bears
*Harry Potter
*regular

The Newlywed Game: I love this show. The game is just okay.

The Game of Life:
*Simpson's

Operation:
*Simpson's

Can You Beat Ken Jennings?

Tri-Ominos

Wheel of Fortune

Jeopardy

An Evening of Murder Party Game

Still looking for:
Cocktail-opoly
Whoville-opoly
Trivial Pursuit DVD Pop Culture
Trivial Pursuit Book Lovers Edition
Spree!
Witch Trial
Give Me the Brain
Cube Farm
Devil Bunny Needs a Ham
Get Out
Electronic Battleship
Magnetic Hangman
The 80s Game
The 90s Game
Word Sweep

So if anyone feels the need to buy me a Christmas gift, please, go right ahead.
Don't celebrate Christmas? I will accept a "You're the Best Blogger in the World" gift. No, really, I will.

I have no shame.

So I'm in class today. A class called Perspectives and Communication. Basically a glorified grammar course and officially the worst class EVER in the history of all classes that came before it and all that shall come after. A class designed to make you fail solely on the basis that you can never find anything that you need to find in the APA Manual.

So anyhow, I'm snuggly ensconced in a corner of the room, safe from the evil darting eye of the Grammar Nazi, MSNing with New Homeowner. During lecture, of course. Good forbid I should actually listen in class.

All of a sudden, in the middle of Grammar Nazi's lecture on the Library Cataloge (by the way, blogger seems to think catalogue is not a word and most definitely misspelled) and how to "Google" in this new "information age", I hear her say "Does anyone remember what a floppy disk is? Anyone?" A scant few people raise their hands, as I slowly and furtively slip my floppy disk back into my bag.

Oh. My. God. Where am I? How OLD am I? Just what the hell is going on here that NO ONE knows what a floppy disk is. Did I miss the flash drive gravy train or something?

Though come to think of it, I was in the computer lab the other day, and I totally heard this girl squeal: OMG!!!! Is that a disk you're using??? That is SOOOOO Old School!

As if!

Just so you know, this is what I look like when typing an essay.

Well no, not really. Let's amend that. This is what happens when I type an essay. (And never mind that it says Toffee Latte Macchiato at the bottom of the screen.)

Cowkitty apparently feels it is his indomitable right to lay across the keyboard and slap, with his gargantuan paw, any button he darn well chooses.

So my essay on human nutrition and its effects on obesity becomes something that resembles:

meow meow fat meow iedout08e3
meow North euw9thw3 America
fio oy5w9u409waui5r-q0i
MEOW
exercise meow gore3yq0598yguh
zzzzzzzzzzzz*snort*zzzzzzz

Frankly, it's a wonder I've passed any of my classes!

(Okay, okay, fine. I wasn't writing an essay. I was goofing off. So what: THERE'S A CAT ON MY KEYBOARD!)

Citrusboy and I just split a Kit Kat Chunky. I looked at it, then I looked at it again. Then I took a bite just to test the waters.

It was completely solid chocolate inside. Not a speck of wafer to be seen.

Weird.

I Demand Pity. Sympathy. Empathy. Something, Dammit!

It snowed. Ugh. It snowed on Halloween. Double ugh.

And it took me over two hours to get to school. Because apparently Winnipeg, the coldest, snowiest place on earth, doesn't know what a snow plow is.

And then, upon entering my lab half an hour late, I'm greeted with salmon sperm. From which I get to extract DNA.

Salmon sperm DNA. Breakfast, anyone?

Doesn't anybody feel sorry for me yet?

And just how many salmon had to die so we (disinterested biochem students) could play with their semen?

Happy Hallowe'en!

Went to a ghoulish Halloween party over the weekend and won second prize for, if I do say so myself, my fab costume! And I became the proud owner of two horror DVDs. Thanks Linds!
And I had matching toe nails. I wanted one red sock and one white sock, but when the search for a red sock became a search that lasted longer than 15 minutes, I decided to just get a pedicure.
I know. I'm a nerd. So what.
And sort of matching fingernails. Not really, you say? What-ever, I say!

Happy Trick-or-Treat, blogging world!

What the hell

is up with this semester?

So far I've

written three (looooooooong) essays
handed in seven assignments
done up three labs
"studied" for five exams, and

the semester is barely halfway through.

Again I ask you, what the fuck is up with that? Do these professors really and truly think their course is the only one? Or maybe the only important one? Honestly.

Small Town Texas, USA
They play awful funny movies in them there United States.

New Stove, As Promised,

So Jen came over, took one look at my stove, screamed "HOLY MOTHER-F*CKING HELL" and vowed to clean it one day.

That day was last week sometime when she marched over with a can of Easy-Off in her hand.

And she sprayed. And it cleaned.

Apparently the stuff actually works.
I fed her cheese and olives as a reward. Oh, and pina coladas, of course.

Why does this stuff happen to me? WHY?

So I finally broke down and bought a coffee maker after I realized that I could actually sleep less and still function the next morning if I drank that one cup of coffee. And by one cup I mean 20oz travel size.

So I got my pretty coffee maker with some pretty coffee (chocolate hazelnut or some such, if you must know) and proceeded to brew. It turned out yummy. Of course, only after I dumped about half a cup of Bailey's into my mug, but I digress.

That night I turned on the timer so I could have some nice coffee all ready to go for me the next morning.

Next morning, I get up, eyes still closed, and take a sip. GROSS. Burnt coffee taste. Wretched.

Seems like my pretty new coffee maker heats the water too hot after its been sitting in the reservoir all night, giving me that lovely, lovely rubber tire in my coffee taste.

Looks like I'm going to have to return the darned thing. Gah. Any other coffee maker suggestions out there?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My mani
and Christine's and my pedi.
Hee, what fun!

Ugh%&#@&^$&*%phmmphp

So. After my mani Jen said she would come over and help me clean the apartment since Chris and The Head were flying in from Toronto. Why would she do this? She purportes to LOOOOOVE cleaning. Okey dokey says I.

Of course, the second Jen gets here she cracks open the wine. And gives me a glass. Then another. After that, I was all "Hey y'all, I am sooooooooooooo drunk." And stopped cleaning. And didn't clean another thing for the rest of the evening.

Thank god for three things:
1. Citrusboy had already cleaned the bathroom
2. Jen and I had managed to clean the entire kitchen before I went ass over tea kettle and
3. Chris is a very understanding soul and doesn't mind that the entire office is covered in paper.

iKitty, meet the Blogging World.

World, iKitty.

Drunk People in Winnipeg? No Such Thing.

Well, I'm finally sober enough to post about my birthday, which happened to be on Friday. Oh, and Happy Birthday, Derek! *waves from the 'Peg*

Started off with a couple of shots of candied apple/butterscotch stuffs and I can't decide if they were good or nasty. I just cannot decide.

Got some nice gifts: NH sent over the Newlyweds DVDs. Awesome. I know they're divorced, but do I care? Not really. Still the funniest thing I've ever seen! Also got a foot treatment GC from Jen - wehaw! I see a new toe colour in my future - something dark to mourn the end of summer and the beginning of *ack* school. *cough cough choke*

Of course, we went to the martini/sushi bar and the usual debauchery began.

First up, the requisite "eating a huge lump of wasabi and gagging":


Then *we* had a couple of martinis
and a couple more
aaaaand some more

and then things started to get a little blurry...
At some point we stumbled home and Jen made more shots. I fear for the safety of my brain cells. Dear god. I think I can honestly say I have never been this drunk in all the time I've been in the 'Peg.

Thanks everybody! It was a blast! I think. At least, that's what they tell me.

HA!

I will admit to all here that I too like the new Justin Timberlake song.

After I made fun of certain people, I guess it's the least I can do. But in my defense, I will stress that the song grows on you. Seriously. If you don't believe me, try listening to it, oh, five times in a row. At that point you will LOVE it. You will think Justin is the hottest stud on earth and you must have him NOW.

Seriously. I do not lie.

I am so embarrassed.

Here's a real time quote from my friend Jen, about the post below:

I would have died seeing that! Poor WD, she's seen some pretty rough shit here! I've been here all my life and haven't seen anyone using the street as a washroom! LOL.

I've seen it twice now in less then two years.

I would love to insert some irony here, but all I can think is "Why meeeeeeeeeee? Whhhyyyyyyyyy?!????????????"

Ummm...

So I was on the bus with citrusboy the other day and I do the perfectly natural thing of looking out the window.

And I see a man with his pants down next to a tree.

Then I see that man pooping on the tree.

In full view of all and sundry, right by a very main street. In fact, it's called Main Street. In plain daylight. No shame.

OMG. Where have I found myself? In the fifth circle of hell?

My day off and my new pedi...

I can't stop watching

I have a serious problem, because it's, like, THE worst show EVER.

It's so bad that TWoP stopped recapping it after 4 episodes. It's so bad that I've finally realized Luke Perry for the bad actor he is. So bad, in fact, that I don't think he could even play himself in his own biography. May 90210 rest in peace.

But me? Like a crack addict, I just can't stop.

OMG.
OMG.
OMG.

I saw a... a... a... OMG.

I SAW A IN MY FAVOURITE SUSHI RESTAURANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG.

Granted, it was in the bathroom, BUT STILL.

I don't think I can ever go back.

*SOB*

So my summer job consists of dressing women who have either too much time on their hands, too much money, or an interesting combination of both.

The other day a woman asked me to try something on to see if it would fit her daughter. I put it on. She looked at me and said "Do you think this would fit someone fatter than you?"

Ummm, I don't know. Will it?!?

And as a side note: a SVH book I'm reading contained the sentence "Ken got off of the floor." Right.

Split Nails Are Not An Option

So right up the street from me a new spa has opened. A new spa where I can get a fab manicure and an even fabuler (not a word, I know, I know, so write me up) pedicure.

It's brand spanking new and the two girls, and I do mean girls, that opened it are such sweethearts. They did all the painting themselves and they even put down their own floorboards. I love it. I think that is so fantastic!

Check out the digits (feel free to ignore the oh so sexy foot tan):

With this triangle of evil around me - the spa, the sushi place, and the gym - I might actually be upset to leave the ole 'Peg.

*gasp* Who said that?

When lightening strikes...

So I was reading Sweet Valley High: In Love With the Enemy - Book #120 last night, when what do I see?

"They must have used a dozen roles of toilet paper..."

Methinks Ken Matthews is not the fluffiest bunny in the hatch.

So I'm reading Debutante Divorcee by Plum Sykes (and only because I have a head cold and can't comprehend too much anyway) and I came across this sentence:

"I don't think you're life's that bad."

Please! Quick! Somebody give me this editor's job! My god. Serenity now!

Not only is this book atrocious to begin with, but apparently the editor couldn't even stay awake past the first chapter to do her job and EDIT THE DAMN THING.

Su-shi, su-shi, su-shi!!!

My favourite sushi place has been closed for renovations (paid for off my back, I'm sure) for almost two months now, so I've been forced to make my own sushi.

My first attempt was an unagi roll, which really didn't look all that bad for a first try. And it tasted fab. If I do say so myself.
Second attempt was a California roll. Which looked passable and tasted like an orgy in my mouth. To quote Stewie.

Third try was a teriyaki chicken roll. Divine. Made my own teriyaki sauce and decided to use brown rice instead of sushi rice, as I have no love for the white grain. Yummy good, but needed a spoon to eat it. Brown rice not the smartest idea and definitely not an accepted sushi accompaniment, but so much better for you.

Tonight's attempt was a spicy salmon roll with salmon sashimi. I have to tell you - I'm a genius. Rolled pretty tight and tasted so so good.

I may never go back to that restaurant! Do renos will you? For two whole months? Take that!

It's Funtastic!

Only in a Polish supermarket ...

You Don't Say?

Well, I don't want to die of old age and still be typing, so I'll just list what's right:
1. Sushi
2. Martinis
3. Cinema City
4. The Gym
5. Nice friends

The rest? Sux.

Mmm Pizza!

Ironically, this occured

the same day as this
That's one hell of a midnight snack!

Team Hurty Legs

"Ran" the 5k this morning. Well, hobbled, crawled, rolled, whatever. Semantics.

Finished right before the thunderstorm of the century started, which is a good thing, because there was no way I was going to "run" in the rain!

Thank God I never have to do that again, is all I have to say.
Sexy, sexy sweat...

Someone hand me a martini. Quick!

45 Things (I Hate About You?)

Stolen from meg's blog:

45 random things you probably never needed to know about someone:

1. Whats your name spelt backwards?: lesmad gepinniw
   
2. What did you do last night?: Ran 5k on the track, scarfed down some pizza, watched the Oilers lose, and fell asleep with an ice pack on my poor, poor shins
   
3. The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: The Apprentice epi 13 and Lost's season finale
   
4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?: um, probably
   
5. Last time you swam in a pool?: 4 months ago?
   
6. What are you wearing?: PJ's
7. How many cars have you owned?: 1
8. Type of music you dislike most?: The really cheesy country, and no, it's never enjoyable
9. Are you registered to vote?: Yars
10. Do you have cable?: Lots of it. Oh UPN, how I love you.
    
11. What kind of computer do you use?: Uh...a monster machine that someone built for us
    
12. Ever made a prank phone call?: In my disallusioned youth
    
13. You like anyone right now?: Well, I guess I like my husband. Even though he snores
    
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: Not ever in this lifetime or the next
15. Furthest place you ever traveled?: Europe
16. What's your favorite comic strip?: Sherman's Lagoon and Fox Trot
    
17. Do u know all the words to the national anthem?: Since I haven't sung it for, like, 15 years, I'd have to go with no. Terrible, ain't it?
18. Shower, morning or night?: Night because then I don't have to waste precious sleep time drying my damned hair
    
19. Best movie you've seen in the past month?: Waiting. Wait, define "best".
    
20. Favorite pizza toppings?: Bacon, mushrooms, and pineapple
    
21. Chips or popcorn?: Chips
22. What cell phone provider do you have?: Telus Mobility.
23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: Pardon-eh moi? Anarchist's Cookbook, huh?
    
24. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: No
25. Orange Juice or apple?: Neither. Bleh. I'm a water girl.
    
26. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?: Lunch? Are we still in high shcool? Cow Kitty, then.
    
27. Favorite chocolate bar?: this Kinder coconut bar thingy that I will probably never EVER find in backwards Winnipeg
    
28. Who is your longest friend and how long?: Christine and NH, oh about 14 years. Gulp.
    
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: A what now?
    
30. Have you ever won a trophy?: In what? Speed reading?
    
31. Favorite arcade game?: Street Fighter
    
32. Ever ordered from an infomercial?: No
    
33. Sprite or 7-UP?: Bleh. Neither. Perrier, anyone? Anyone?
    
34. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?: Oh gawd yes. Welcome to my high school
35. Last thing you bought at Walgreens?: Where now? Do I look like Shandi?
    
36. Ever thrown up in public?: Uh, does a public bathroom count? In the sink?
37. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: Does finding true love preclude ever becoming a millionaire?
38. Do you believe in love at first sight?: No
39. SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?: Who now? I vote for Polkaroo
    
40. Did you have long hair as a young kid?: Yes
41. What message is on your voicemail machine?: "Mreeeeeeeeeeeeow"
42. Where would you like to go right now?: For Sushi and Martinis
    
43. Whats the name of your pet(s)?: Cow Kitty and Fatty
    
44. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?: A Tracker 2 and it's perfectly empty! Weehaw!
    
45. What do you think about most?: Sushi. And martinis.
    

May 2-4 Interlude

We went to the fair.

Citrusboy almost puked on the rides.
Need I say more?
Well, probably not, but just to garner sympathy, I'll add: I was stuck between two pukers and one behind me. My hair endured a lot that day...

Star Wars Procrastination

In my quest to do anything to actually avoid doing what I'm supposed to be doing (and this includes reading Sweet Valley High books), I have come across some pretty random things.

But this one thing was absolutely not my fault. See, it was in my psychology textbook. And I can't be blamed for that, now can I?

This thing happens to be a Star Wars Personality Test which compares you to Star Wars characters. And it's all on the up and up, seeing as how it's university research and all.

Oh, and apparently? I'm a bitch. Check it out yourself.

See how Winnipeg Damsel compares to Emperor Palpatine

Here piggy, piggy, piggy...

Instead of, you know, actually writing the psych essay that's due in a couple of hours, I've decided to put learning to practical use and do this Pig Personality Test that I found on Just Say No's blog.

Apparently it means:
Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.

Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays, etc.)
Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates
Facing front, you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
With few details, you are emotional and naive, they care little for details and are a risk-taker.

With less than 4 legs, they are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
With 4 legs showing, they are secure, stubborn, and stick to their ideals.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.
The bigger the better. You drew small ears, you are an OK listener

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life.
And again more is better! You drew large tail, WOW!

I don't agree with the risk-taker part (are you kidding me???), but the rest, I could go with. Maybe I should write my essay on the value of the piggy as testing tool.

Wasabi Wars

Of course, we had to have sushi while in Toronto, so New Homeowner, Running Man, citrusboy and I went out to dinner one night.

We massacred a huge boat-load of sushi. Literally.

Then NH dared RM to eat a huge glob of wasabi. And all it took was $20.

The aftermath? Not so pleasant.

The next day, a whole pile of us went over to Christine and The Head's place. Christine and I decided we wanted sushi, so we ordered a monstrous party platter. The more sushi, the merrier. Don't look at me like that. Hey, I heard that.

So again, someone dared someone to eat some wasabi. And he was a willing participant for only $5. Aftermath? Even worse.
Obviously, we are an extremely mature bunch.

The Wonderful World of Toronto Broke-ness. I Mean Shopping.

So now that I've gotten my bitching out of the way, let me tell you about the rest of my trip: it was pure bliss when my mother wasn't around.

We somehow ended up at the Pearl Jam concert at the Air Canada Centre. I've never been to a PJ concert before. Let me tell you, it was awesome. They played Black so I was as happy as a girl back in Toronto from toiling away in the 'Peg can be (ie: as happy as a pig in shit). I was amused to see Eddie Vedder still totin' his bottle o' wine around. I was also amused to find that I was high by the end of the first song. And not because I was smoking the wacky-tobacky myself.

We also did a lot of shopping. Okay, okay, fine. I did a lot of shopping. But mostly for things that don't dare set up shop in Winnipeg for fear they'd go under in two seconds flat. Starting with my beloved Sephora, of course. Oh Philosophy, how do I love thee. Let me count the ways. Cinnabuns. Melon Daquari (that one's for citrusboy, so don't even look at me). Lavender Poundcake - it was love at first sniff. Unfortunately, Coconut Cream Pie was not to be had.

Then, off to L'Occitane where I finally, finally got my Lavender Face Cleanser and Lotion. And as a neat surprise, I noticed they had a new line. Which, of course, smelled fantabulous. Citrusboy LOVED it, so I got me some almond dry oil too! Score!

We also hit Banana Republic where citrusboy got some jeans and shirts and Lululemon, where, sadly, I could not decide what to get, so I got nothing. My rationale: There is actually a Lululemon in the 'Peg, so if desperate, I can go there.

Also went to my precious Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma, but wouldn't you know it? They had nothing I wanted. Weird. Empty handed from PB? What a travesty!

Spent a crap-load of time with friends, but that's another post. Complete with pictures.

Back from TO

I refuse to say T-dot. How gay is that? (The fact that some call it that, not the fact that I refuse to.)

So on the breeze of NH's latest entry, I'll kick off my own. The first thing my mother did when she saw me (after not seeing me for a whooooooooole year) was to say: Holy mother of GOD, you're still fucking fat. (Must be something in the fucking water in the GTA!)

Nice. Love you too, mom.

The second thing she said was: Where the hell are my grandchildren?

Uh... while I was still contemplating an answer to that, the third thing she said was: You already look pregnant. Get a move on.

What. The. Hell.

She would not let up. All day she was on me about my fatty ass. And arms. And stomach. And... well you get the picture. I told her I go to the gym. I told her how much I go to the gym. She was all: That's not possible. You should be skinny by now and you're still huge. You must stuff your face day and night. I told her what I eat, and I think she almost called me a liar.

Then she told me she doesn't eat anything. Ever. Great way to lose that extra 80 lbs, mom. I see it's really working for you.

We went to dinner at citrusboy's parent's place that night for a BBQ and she watched us like a hawk, she did.

All night, it was: How many did you have? (Citrusboy had two burgers before she started giving him the evil eye.) You can't eat that - you're not allowed to eat any sugar. (Just as I was taking my first bite of a cookie.) You have to eat only fruit in the morning because your stomach can only digest that. (She tells the nutrition major.) I decide to add that that is total bullshit and she wonders what crap they're teaching me in school.

Then she decides she's also a fitness expert, and tells me that aerobic exercise is crap, especially if you're trying to lose weight on your stomach. Apparently the only thing one needs to do to lose belly fat is sit ups. That's it. No running around necessary. And here I thought it was going to be hard or something. Silly me.

She almost, almost told me that I better watch it or my husband's going to leave my fat ass. I wonder how she restrained herself?

And to top off the evening, she sighed to the entire table about how she wished she had more children now that she looks back on her life. I guess she wishes some of them were somewhere in the vicinity of 50 lbs at the age of almost 30. And that's collectively, I'm sure.

And this all in one day folks. Can I tell you how cowtastic the other 6 days were?

By the way, can someone please tell me I'm not THAT fat or I think I might have a coronary right here, right now.

Fluffy pink clouds, calm blue ocean, fluffy pink clouds, calm blue ocean...

Plane, can you go further than Winnipeg? Nigeria sounds good, right about now.