Back from TO

I refuse to say T-dot. How gay is that? (The fact that some call it that, not the fact that I refuse to.)

So on the breeze of NH's latest entry, I'll kick off my own. The first thing my mother did when she saw me (after not seeing me for a whooooooooole year) was to say: Holy mother of GOD, you're still fucking fat. (Must be something in the fucking water in the GTA!)

Nice. Love you too, mom.

The second thing she said was: Where the hell are my grandchildren?

Uh... while I was still contemplating an answer to that, the third thing she said was: You already look pregnant. Get a move on.

What. The. Hell.

She would not let up. All day she was on me about my fatty ass. And arms. And stomach. And... well you get the picture. I told her I go to the gym. I told her how much I go to the gym. She was all: That's not possible. You should be skinny by now and you're still huge. You must stuff your face day and night. I told her what I eat, and I think she almost called me a liar.

Then she told me she doesn't eat anything. Ever. Great way to lose that extra 80 lbs, mom. I see it's really working for you.

We went to dinner at citrusboy's parent's place that night for a BBQ and she watched us like a hawk, she did.

All night, it was: How many did you have? (Citrusboy had two burgers before she started giving him the evil eye.) You can't eat that - you're not allowed to eat any sugar. (Just as I was taking my first bite of a cookie.) You have to eat only fruit in the morning because your stomach can only digest that. (She tells the nutrition major.) I decide to add that that is total bullshit and she wonders what crap they're teaching me in school.

Then she decides she's also a fitness expert, and tells me that aerobic exercise is crap, especially if you're trying to lose weight on your stomach. Apparently the only thing one needs to do to lose belly fat is sit ups. That's it. No running around necessary. And here I thought it was going to be hard or something. Silly me.

She almost, almost told me that I better watch it or my husband's going to leave my fat ass. I wonder how she restrained herself?

And to top off the evening, she sighed to the entire table about how she wished she had more children now that she looks back on her life. I guess she wishes some of them were somewhere in the vicinity of 50 lbs at the age of almost 30. And that's collectively, I'm sure.

And this all in one day folks. Can I tell you how cowtastic the other 6 days were?

By the way, can someone please tell me I'm not THAT fat or I think I might have a coronary right here, right now.

Fluffy pink clouds, calm blue ocean, fluffy pink clouds, calm blue ocean...

Plane, can you go further than Winnipeg? Nigeria sounds good, right about now.