You don't have any coffee??? I awake to my mother's screeches. Coffee? What coffee? She doesn't drink coffee for the love of god! Oh, but apparently Bat-Shit Aunty M does and I've just committed the ultimate sin: no coffee in the house. Citrusboy doesn't drink coffee, I don't drink coffee, the Polish Princess doesn't drink coffee, hence there is no coffee. No one told me to buy coffee. How was I supposed to know? I know, I know, you're supposed to keep coffee for when guests drop in: blah blah blah. It didn't even occur to me, so now I'm in the doghouse, the cat litter, the ever-growing mound of crap I've subjected myself to. They settle for tea. Plain black tea. Don't have that either; the closest I have is Earl Gray, which the Dynamic Duo sighs over but manages to choke down. Who the hell drinks Tetley anyway? The stuff is foul! Oh, and the milk? Went bad this morning. About a week before the expiration date. Guess who likes milk in their tea? Which is also seriously putrid.
Now Bat-Shit Auny M gets it into her head that she wants to buy us a wedding gift since she was unable to attend our wedding. She tells me she's looked through the entire apartment and has decided that I need the following:
Thus I decide to take the Dynamic Duo to The Happy Cooker, my favourite store in all of Winnipeg. I love this store. It has everything you could possibly want for your kitchen and then some. I had my eye on some things like the Big Perogie Maker or the Digital Scale or the Chinese Bamboo Steamer Baskets or the Electric Crepe Maker, so I was hoping Aunty M would take the hint. But no. She dismisses the store with a wave of her hand and labels it worthless. There goes my happy dream of owning a WÃœSTHOF Chef's Knife.
We leave and I take them to my second favourite store which just happens to be across the street. Urban Barn is the new Pottery Barn, except the prices don't cause me to go into cardiac arrest like Pottery Barn's do. My favourite things in this store are a little pricey, but if Bat-Shit Aunty M is hell-bent on spending I would love for her to do it here. Like on this chair - I love this chair even though it doesn't match with anything else in the apartment at the moment. But we can fix that. And it's even on sale! Good deal, right? Aunty M proclaims it ugly. Right. Okay, let's move on. So maybe these chairs? With this table? So pretty, and it's called Yoshi - how can you go wrong, tell me? I get "Crap" and "Bigger crap". Of course. How about this bed? Forget citrusboy, I would marry this bed if it was legal. Utter garbage, says Bat-Shit Aunty M. Or at least these cute kitty bowls? She can't find anything wrong with cute kitty bowls, can she?After all, she loves kitties! Boy was I wrong (about the cute kitty bowls, not the loving kitties part).
I decide I've had enough maligning of my favourite stores and take the Dynamic Duo to the Bridal Registry Capital of Canada: The Bay. Drag them up to the fourth floor. At this point I've escaped to an empty corner of the store, called citrusboy in a panic and asked him, nay demanded, that he get his ass over to The Bay after work toute suite! I cannot go through this alone any longer. He arrives and a little of my sanity gets restored.
I can go back to shopping now. We wander around looking at dishes and forks and saucers, none of which strike my fancy. I hate them all. Citrusboy is noncommittal. Aunty M demands that I choose something, but I really don't want to. I don't want her spending money on stuff I don't really like, yet don't want to seem ungrateful by saying "This all sucks!"
So I do something dumb and suggest going to a large mall, where they might have more selection. Off we go to Polo Park.
I take the Dynamic Duo to Royal Dalton first. I know that will give Auny M a minor cardiac episode. Of course, she likes nothing there. Good. Next we go to Barnes and Castle, a fun store. I'm sure she'll hate it. Actually, I hate it more. Not a thing I like. I beat a quick retreat before she makes me choose something from there. Finally we go to Stokes. They have square plates. I love square plates. I almost bought Pottery Barn's Asian Square Plates, but my credit card didn't approve of the price so no go for me. Bat-Shit Aunty M likes the plates. In fact she likes the entire store. She makes me pick out an entire place setting (results below) including place mats, dishes, appetizer trays, candle holders, and cutlery. Oh the cutlery.
Who needs this many spoons, I ask you? Am I entertaining the Queen of England on her birthday? I think not. But they came home with me anyway.
I rather like the plates though. Even though a certain kitty thinks he belongs as the main course. Or possibly an appetizer.
On the way out of the mall, I snagged a pair of sandals. I am a sandal whore and these are fantastic. And they were 50% off so when Bat-Shit Aunty M grabbed them out of my hands and paid for them, I almost didn't feel bad. Almost.
Oh, and right before I manage to make my great escape from the mall, Aunty M spots Quilts Etc. She decides we need a down quilt. Now, as far as I know, we already have a down quilt but it seems ours is too heavy so we need a new one. Now we have two. And only one bed. I think there's something wrong with somebody's math somewhere, but who am I to say anything?
At this point we're all starved and head over to Moxie's for something to eat. And drink. I order the largest Bellini known to man and down it. In approximately 4.5 seconds. Great shot of alcohol to the brain.
Order some Ahi Tuna Crisps and life is good again.
Except for the part where I got called a twit for not renewing my license, renting a car for the week, and instead forced the Dynamic Duo to ride the bus like a couple of {insert favourite curse word(s) here}.
Now Bat-Shit Auny M gets it into her head that she wants to buy us a wedding gift since she was unable to attend our wedding. She tells me she's looked through the entire apartment and has decided that I need the following:
- Cutlery
- A proper dining set for a minimum of eight (8!) people (I don't think I know eight people well enough in Winnipeg to be inviting them over for some fancy dinner, but whatever)
- A dining room table complete with matching chairs and
- A sofa
Thus I decide to take the Dynamic Duo to The Happy Cooker, my favourite store in all of Winnipeg. I love this store. It has everything you could possibly want for your kitchen and then some. I had my eye on some things like the Big Perogie Maker or the Digital Scale or the Chinese Bamboo Steamer Baskets or the Electric Crepe Maker, so I was hoping Aunty M would take the hint. But no. She dismisses the store with a wave of her hand and labels it worthless. There goes my happy dream of owning a WÃœSTHOF Chef's Knife.
We leave and I take them to my second favourite store which just happens to be across the street. Urban Barn is the new Pottery Barn, except the prices don't cause me to go into cardiac arrest like Pottery Barn's do. My favourite things in this store are a little pricey, but if Bat-Shit Aunty M is hell-bent on spending I would love for her to do it here. Like on this chair - I love this chair even though it doesn't match with anything else in the apartment at the moment. But we can fix that. And it's even on sale! Good deal, right? Aunty M proclaims it ugly. Right. Okay, let's move on. So maybe these chairs? With this table? So pretty, and it's called Yoshi - how can you go wrong, tell me? I get "Crap" and "Bigger crap". Of course. How about this bed? Forget citrusboy, I would marry this bed if it was legal. Utter garbage, says Bat-Shit Aunty M. Or at least these cute kitty bowls? She can't find anything wrong with cute kitty bowls, can she?After all, she loves kitties! Boy was I wrong (about the cute kitty bowls, not the loving kitties part).
I decide I've had enough maligning of my favourite stores and take the Dynamic Duo to the Bridal Registry Capital of Canada: The Bay. Drag them up to the fourth floor. At this point I've escaped to an empty corner of the store, called citrusboy in a panic and asked him, nay demanded, that he get his ass over to The Bay after work toute suite! I cannot go through this alone any longer. He arrives and a little of my sanity gets restored.
I can go back to shopping now. We wander around looking at dishes and forks and saucers, none of which strike my fancy. I hate them all. Citrusboy is noncommittal. Aunty M demands that I choose something, but I really don't want to. I don't want her spending money on stuff I don't really like, yet don't want to seem ungrateful by saying "This all sucks!"
So I do something dumb and suggest going to a large mall, where they might have more selection. Off we go to Polo Park.
I take the Dynamic Duo to Royal Dalton first. I know that will give Auny M a minor cardiac episode. Of course, she likes nothing there. Good. Next we go to Barnes and Castle, a fun store. I'm sure she'll hate it. Actually, I hate it more. Not a thing I like. I beat a quick retreat before she makes me choose something from there. Finally we go to Stokes. They have square plates. I love square plates. I almost bought Pottery Barn's Asian Square Plates, but my credit card didn't approve of the price so no go for me. Bat-Shit Aunty M likes the plates. In fact she likes the entire store. She makes me pick out an entire place setting (results below) including place mats, dishes, appetizer trays, candle holders, and cutlery. Oh the cutlery.
Who needs this many spoons, I ask you? Am I entertaining the Queen of England on her birthday? I think not. But they came home with me anyway.
I rather like the plates though. Even though a certain kitty thinks he belongs as the main course. Or possibly an appetizer.
On the way out of the mall, I snagged a pair of sandals. I am a sandal whore and these are fantastic. And they were 50% off so when Bat-Shit Aunty M grabbed them out of my hands and paid for them, I almost didn't feel bad. Almost.
Oh, and right before I manage to make my great escape from the mall, Aunty M spots Quilts Etc. She decides we need a down quilt. Now, as far as I know, we already have a down quilt but it seems ours is too heavy so we need a new one. Now we have two. And only one bed. I think there's something wrong with somebody's math somewhere, but who am I to say anything?
At this point we're all starved and head over to Moxie's for something to eat. And drink. I order the largest Bellini known to man and down it. In approximately 4.5 seconds. Great shot of alcohol to the brain.
Order some Ahi Tuna Crisps and life is good again.
Except for the part where I got called a twit for not renewing my license, renting a car for the week, and instead forced the Dynamic Duo to ride the bus like a couple of {insert favourite curse word(s) here}.
7 comments:
Looks like a lovely 1st anniversary gift! So, when do we get to hear about days 3,4 and 5?
If I survive my dentist appointment, later today. If not, well, you might be SOL.
I mourn the loss of Pottery Barn everyday, but The Happy Cooker kinda makes up for it. Osbourne Village is a very eclectic stretch of street and it's the only thing I will miss when I leave this hellhole.
LOl Quite the adventures you had. And to follow it up with the dentist....not so good. I am all up for hearing how that went. You know how I feel about dentists!
The dentist went okay, thank god. No unnecessary gum stabbing, so I'm good. But then again, it was only for a consultation, so there may be gum stabbing in my future.
That's a hilarious picture of Aunty M being "coy" by the pole.
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